Help with Some Jokes

[kj]

Guys,

I need help.  I started organizing GSW (Guys Ski Weekend) seven years ago with my college buddies.  By GSW II the wives had organized GSW Too (Girls Spa Weekend) but that is another problem.  This year for GSW 7 we have 18 guys attending arriving in Lake Tahoe either tomorrow night or Fri morning.

After skiing hard all day, we will inevitably stay up most of the night Fri and Sat drinking beer and playing poker.  With 7-9' of fresh powder in the last two weeks and 3-4' more expected this weekend, we might not even make it to the slopes this year.

But we will play poker.  After about an hour or two someone will suggest the dealer has to tell a joke while dealing the hand.  In college one of the guys had a dad who managed a saw mill.  He had an endless supply of great jokes.  I'm not so good and need you to be my saw mill.

So help me out with your best jokes so I can at least make a respectable showing.  If you have a great joke that does not meet Old Gobbler standards send me a PM.  Relatively short and sweet is best.  Simple things for simple minds. Thanks in advance.

Four weeks to Spring Turkey Season in CA.

[honker22]

There was these 2 fellers standing on the bridge, using the bathroom... I believe one feller was from Arkansas... You know the rest, if not, watch Slingblade

[pullit]

Guy goes into a bar and after being there a little while, he decides to put his best move on a good looking lady at the end of the bar. After putting his best line on her, she looks at him and say, "Look buddy, I will save you a lot of time and me a lot of time. I will be blunt, I will do anything, anytime, and anywhere for $300. Here is the catch, ....you have to tell me what you want in 3 words or less"
So the guy thinks for a few minutes and the lady says "well do we have a deal or not"? The guy says "Ok here is the $300 bucks". She says well what do you want........................The guy says "Paint my house".....

[Tail Feathers]

A blonde woman is looking for work and knocks on a guys door.  She asks him if he has any work that he needs done around the house.
He told her yeh, there's a couple gallons of paint in the garage, I'll give you $100 to paint my porch.

Three hours later she knocks on the door and announces she's done.
She told him there was some paint left over so after she finished painting the porch in his garage she painted his Lexus too.

[BowBendr]

Do you know why Chelsea Clinton is so dang ugly ??


...Because Janet Reno is her daddy.....

[Crutch]

The Afghan Quarterback
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Memphis Tigers. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the high schools and even in Canada and Europe, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a national championship.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan .. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Tigers go on to win the national championship.

The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the national championship.
"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says. "You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest college sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Memphis!!"

[stinkpickle]

pm sent   

[catdaddy]

Two women were sitting quietly on a park bench minding their own business.


Here is another:

What is the difference  between a women's track team and a tribe of pygmies??

I am not brave enough to post the answer even though it does not contain any bad words. If you think you might like it--PM me and I will give you the answer to the riddle. 

[turkey slayer]

The Afghan Quarterback
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Memphis Tigers. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the high schools and even in Canada and Europe, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a national championship.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan .. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Tigers go on to win the national championship.

The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the national championship.
"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says. "You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest college sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Memphis!!"

[Crutch]

Two women were sitting quietly on a park bench minding their own business.


 

[new2turkey]

pm sent   

x2

Two women were sitting quietly on a park bench minding their own business.

[bornagain64]

The wife is staring at the mirror looking at her self. Her husband is watching tv.
As she looks at her self she says, I am getting fat and ugly and old. She looks at her husband and says I need someone to say something nice about me to make me feel better about my self.
He looked at her and says, well dear your eye sight is still pretty good.

[Tail Feathers]

What does DNA stand for?










National Dislexic Association.

[gun for hire]

Q:  Why don't women need a driver's license?

A:  Because there is no road between the kitchen and the bedroom.

Q:  What do you call a dog with no legs?

A:  It doesn't matter, because he ain't coming.

[Hognutz]

 
 
     
     
       
       
       
       
         
           
             DO
             YOU FART IN BED?

               

THIS
             IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR
             YEARS.

THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE
             HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING
LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE.
             THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND

THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER
             EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR.

EVERY MORNING SHE
             WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT
WAS
             MAKING HER SICK. HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T STOP IT AND THAT IT
             WAS
             
PERFECTLY
             NA TURAL. SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT
             ONE
DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT.

THE YEARS WENT BY
             AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE
THANKSGIVING MORNING
             AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS
UPSTAIRS
             SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS AND NECK, GIZZARD,
             LIVER
AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO
             HER.

SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND
             WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND,
GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE
             PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND
OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED
             THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS.

SOME
             TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING
             WHICH
WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF
             FRANTIC FOOT STEPS
AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM. THE WIFE COULD
             HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE
ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING,
             TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE
RECKONED SHE HAD
             GOT HIM BACK PRETT Y GOOD.

ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER
             HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS
BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A
             LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE. SHE BIT HER LIP
AS SHE ASKED HIM
             WHAT WAS THE MATT ER.
             

HE
             SAID, 'HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT.' 'ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME
             A ND I
DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU'.

'WHAT DO YOU MEAN?' ASKED
             HIS WIFE.

'WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD
             END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT,
AND TODAY IT FINALLY
             HAPPENED.'

BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, SOME VASELINE AND
             
TWO
             FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST
OF THEM BACK IN.'

             
               

             
       
       
       
       
       
       
       

__________________________________________________