For those who don't know about history... here is a condensed version:
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic
hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the
summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the
winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of
beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get
man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and
together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two
distinct subgroups:
1 . Liberals
and
2. Conservatives
Once beer was discovered, it required grain, and that was the
beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can
were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around
waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the
brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night
while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known
as the Conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live
off the Conservatives by showing up for the nightly BB Q's and doing
the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of
the Liberal movement.
Some of these Liberal men eventually 'evolved' and those became known
as girlie-men. Some noteworthy Liberal achievements include the
domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and
the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and
beer that Conservatives provided.
Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest,
most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are
symbolized by the jackass.
Modern Liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer
white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like
their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard
liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of
their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most
social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in
Hollywood, and group therapists are Liberals. Liberals invented the
designated hitter rule because it wasn't 'fair' to make the pitcher
also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still
provide for their women. Conservatives are big game hunters, rodeo
cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors,
police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, members of
the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works
productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other Conservatives
who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers
and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans
are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the Liberals
remained in Europe when Conservatives were coming to America. The
Liberals crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business
of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history:
It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily
respond to the above before forwarding it.
A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute
truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other
true believers and to more Liberals just to tick them off.
And there you have it!
